I set out to have an incredible blog to follow my 'incredible' year as a first year teacher. But.. two months in I had a nervous breakdown and pretty much quit writing. Simply because I didn't want rant a rave and cry over an internet blog. But I will explain as best as I can. This is cathartic for me.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I will be honest about what went down. The pressure got to me, my brain went crazy, the weather got colder and the days got shorter. The expectations of analyzing large amounts of data and creating complex instructional plans, being observed and being filmed started to get to me.
I went into a very dark place. It became increasingly more difficult to get up in the mornings. I had a constant stomach ache and I cried myself to sleep every night. And.. more than once I had thoughts about downing my bottle of Ambien, swerving into oncoming traffic, or slicing off my fingers in the paper slicer we keep in the faculty room. This make me sick. Looking back, I should have probably been put into therapy or possibly a behavioral unit for a few day. I still think I should probably find a good therapist. Through priesthood blessings, doubling my medication dosage and lots and lots of time praying to my Father in Heaven.. I started to fight my way back to surface.
The Holidays came and went along with crafts, sugar highs and lots and lots of testing... New students came and went. I familiarized myself with all the necessary terminology and became more confident in my lessons. I learned to communicate with my team members and accepted help from my instructional coaches.
Although my plans have changed and my future is unsure (blog posts to come), I know that I put my trust in the Lord and work as hard as I can. Things will work out and be better.
I will try to update regularly and try to fill you in on some of the events of the past few months as well as my plans for the months and years to come.
My life is a never ending road to Happiness.
Your post made me cry because I have been in that place more times than I can count and it is not fun. Just remember there are people out there (me ) who know exactly what it is like to be in that dark dark place and you can call me anytime. I hope you are doing better and I wish I had known what you were going through
ReplyDeleteThank You, cousie! I Love you!
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