Practicing.

I finally broke down today to a few people and cried.. and cried.  It felt VERY good to get things out.  I needed to hear things that I was doing wrong.  I also needed assurance that I am trying and that I am doing things right.  I know that it is my first week of school, however, I feel so discouraged because I wish I was better.  I feel like I have no control of this class.  I am trying everything possible that I can think of to keep up with them.  And then the problem comes that I get angry, then I raise my voice.  I get mad.  And that- is totally unacceptable.  I need to find a way to keep my cool and stay calm.  Always. Always. Alway.  Stay positive.  

Getting spiritual here.  I have always felt that my 'calling' in life is to teach.  It's the only thing that I have ever wanted to do with my life.  I have been promised that I will be an example to the children.  I am not trying to sound prideful, I am just trying to explain one reason I feel so frustrated.  I feel like.. if this is what I am supposed to be doing, then why am I so bad at it right now?

I went to my Institute class tonight and really felt spirit.  I came to a resolution that these kids need me.  I need to love them unconditionally.  In this life, we are practicing to become the very best that we can possibly be.  This life is not a test, it's practice.  I am practicing patience.  I am practicing to be a better teacher, a good parent to my future children, and a good friend to everyone around me.  And nobody is a master at something in the very beginning.  It always takes practice.

A good friend that I made this summer was very excited for me to begin teaching.  He told me there are only two careers that will exist in the afterlife.  Teaching and Farming.  Now he never explained to me the importance of farming, but I will always remember the part about teaching.  The world needs good teachers.  Our God needs good teachers.  And what I learn here in this life is what I will take me when I leave it.

I will love these children.  I will do my absolute best to build them up, to support them, be there for them.  I will help them learn and grow.  They will leave my class better that they came in, because I will work my butt off this year.  I will vow to be happy and positive.  I will continually find ways to improve my teaching and my classroom management.  I will not yell at my students.

I will just keep practicing.  :)

Pencils

Day 3- check!

The kids are slowly getting better... slowly... slowly.  They did a great job during rotations today.  While they were rotations I was told by my I.C (Instructional Coach)  to walk about the school and observe some awesome teachers.  I saw some things that I need to do.  Mostly just better procedures.  I thought I had procedures.  We talk about how to do everything, every time we do it.  But I didn't think of having a pencil procedure chart or making large posters to explain how to work during every part of the day.  I have lots of work to do.  :)

Pencils.  The kids are obsessed with the new steel pencil sharpeners I bought at Utah-Idaho Supply with my precious P.O order.  However, they have severe troubles sharpening their pencils.  As we cleaned the floor today, we found about twenty pieces of pencil lead.  I am going to sharpen all the pencils every morning- and then have an assigned student to do if needed during the day.  The kids simply need to walk back and grab a new pencil and replace their old pencil.  I will keep a nifty steel pencil sharpener on my person at all times in case the kids badly need a pencil sharpened during the many times I don't want them running about the room sharpening pencils.. over and over.. and over... again.  I am pretty sure that they break them on purpose.  Poor Ticongeroga pencils... :(

I have been making it to the school between six and six thirty every morning and then staying untill five thirty.  I am working nearly 12 hour days and it is beginning to wear me down.  I wake up about four and can't sleep, so I just get up and get to work.  And staying up until twelve thirty doesn't help much either.. thanks friends.  Thank you crazy family who is driving me crazy.  :)

I am still flying by the seat of my pants.  I feel guilty because our schedule this week has been so out of order.  It's been so much about rules, procedures, practice.. practice.. practice.  I feel like next week is going to so much better.

 I'm taking an Ambien and going to sleep.  :)

First Day of School- ah!!!

I talked to a woman this morning who is a retired teacher, and now just volunteers to play the piano and  read to kids and stuff.  She tried to console me when she saw how nervous I was.  This is her 49th 'first'.  I can't even imagine right now being that good, that experienced.  I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now.

I KNOW that I'm a good teacher.  I've had.. some experience.  Student teaching at least.  Granted, summer camp, piano lessons and hanging out with kids after school doesn't make me a master teacher, I know that I need more classroom experience.  However, I've always felt relatively comfortable in the classroom, I feel like the kids like me and that I do a good job.  But the first day of school is so hard!!  I expected it to be hard, but I guess I sort of hoped that it wouldn't be.

You see, the first day, week... month.. possibly the whole year- is about procedure.  Procedures, procedures, procedures.  So I taught the procedures.  We discussed countless times how to walk down the hall, how to stay quiet and to be respectful.  And you would suppose that by the fourth grade kids would know how to behave in a classroom.  Apparently not!  I spent half the day just trying to get these kids to follow instructions!  I pulled out all my old tricks.  I used a variety of cues, and we practiced them over and over again.  I moved kids, put them in seats, walked about the room, tried to keep things moving quickly.  I pulled kids aside during recess to discuss behavior.  I waited for kids to be respectful and quiet.  I reviewed the rules again and again.  The principal came into the room and even had to have a chat with the kids.  Boy, that made me feel like crap.  I feel like the faculty is looking down on me and thinking that I'm a bad teacher. I think that I just need to accept the challenge and keep going.  I'm not super upset.. just frustrated!!

I wish that I could give you a super nice blog about how much I love my students and how wonderful of an experience that I had my first day of school.  Many of the students are wonderful, sweet children who cause no problems.  But most of the kids are monsters!

So- I can't just complain.  I need to find a way to solve the problem.
I will commit to:
Be more organized in my lesson plans and make sure that the day is fast paced and interesting.
Be positive in my conversations with my students and continue to give praise.
Create a classroom atmosphere that allows for better instruction and class participation.
Continue to constantly review rules and procedures.
Don't let the students win.  I'm the teacher, I set the rules and stick to them.
Learn the names of my students and get to know there personalities and skill levels.

Tomorrow will be better!

Firsts.

To everything in life there is a first.  Your first word, your first step, first day of school, first day on the new job.  The first time.  And no matter how many firsts you have been through, the new first is always the worst.  Doing something new can be a most challenging and exhilarating experience.  Terrifying, nerve wracking, frustrating, exciting and totally unpredictable.  

This is my first year of teaching school.  It's the first, but it won't be the last.  And because it isn't the last, I know that I can only continue to grow.  This blog will document my first year of teaching.  The ups, the downs, the new ideas and new knowledge that I gain.  This isn't my classroom blog, this isn't for my students or for my parents.  It's for me, it's for you.  It's for new, terrified teachers everywhere.  

I'm teaching fourth grade this year.  I never dreamed that I would end up working for this district.  I always assumed that I would begin my career somewhere else.  However, this is a first.  Now that I am part of this district, my alliances have changed.  I think that a person needs to feel pride for where they are.  I refuse to start out in this district with a pre-constructed bias and a bad attitude.  There are changes here, oh yes, big ones.  However, I am beginning to realize the power and influence of this district.  There are amazing things happening.  Programs, goals, data digs.  We will make a difference in these children's lives.  

First classroom.  It's finally set up.  Pictures are soon to come. I am trying to go for sort of a camping theme.  It won't be extreme, but enough to be fun.  I am finishing up tomorrow, continuing to put up all of the required posters, pocket charts, and bulletin board stuff.  

First Back to School Night.   Sure, only about half of my 26 students showed up, but I loved seeing them and getting to know them and their family's.  I can't wait to begin teaching them!  

First time in a school like this.  My school was built in the 70's in what they call an 'open classroom environment'.  The school is shaped as a large dome.  We have no actually walls.  Rather, large cubicle like dividers separating all of the rooms, no doors.  They all form in a large circle with the library in the middle.  I love it.  It feels so comfortable and friendly.  

First day of school is coming up.  I'll let you all know how it goes....  yikes!  

Wish me luck!!  

-MISS TAYLOR