Testing, testing.

At my school, we have a goal to reach 90% prociency on our end of level tests.  Today we analyzed the winter scores.  My class is currently 16% proficient in Math and 32% proficient in Reading.

AH!!!  It doesn't matter that they are 90% proficient on the District test.  Noone cares that they are writing full paragraphs or mastering place value.  Everything depends on a silly test they take on their own, at a computer, three times a year.  Two silly tests.  Reading and Math.  We are forced to create these complex personal 'acceleration plans' for all of the students below benchmark.  And when in the heck am I supposed to work individually with nearly every student every single day??

I felt so good about the district interim assessment (CIA) but apparently... they don't matter because I have been focusing on the wrong test- without really realizing it.  90% procifient??  Yeah.  Right.

Today I gave my kids all koolaid bursts before the CIA.  I told them it would make them smarter.  And sure, half the tests were turned in stained with pink punch, but they loved it. 

My favorite part of teaching is seeing the kids get excited about learning.  One little boy is really starting to 'get it'.  His eyes light up and his hand shoots into the air.  I could seriously take this kid home, dress him up and stick him on a shelf.  He is that cute. 

We are getting ready for Valentines Day.  Tomorrow we'll make the bags and have a little celebration on Thursday.  One kid tried to bring Valentines last week.  He had even written everyone's names on them!  This is what I remember as a kids.  The fun times.  I know everything is so rigorous, strict, structured and forced, but I want the kids to enjoy some privilages of being in first grade. 

Three and a half months.  I can hardly believe it! 

Yeah.. it's been a while. And here's why..

I set out to have an incredible blog to follow my 'incredible' year as a first year teacher.  But..  two months in I had a nervous breakdown and pretty much quit writing.  Simply because I didn't want rant a rave and cry over an internet blog.  But I will explain as best as I can.  This is cathartic for me.

I suffer from depression and anxiety.  I will be honest about what went down.  The pressure got to me, my brain went crazy, the weather got colder and the days got shorter.  The expectations of analyzing large amounts of data and creating complex instructional plans, being observed and being filmed started to get to me.
I went into a very dark place.  It became increasingly more difficult to get up in the mornings.  I had a constant stomach ache and I cried myself to sleep every night.  And.. more than once I had thoughts about downing my bottle of Ambien, swerving into oncoming traffic, or slicing off my fingers in the paper slicer we keep in the faculty room.  This make me sick.  Looking back, I should have probably been put into therapy or possibly a behavioral unit for a few day.  I still think I should probably find a good therapist.  Through priesthood blessings, doubling my medication dosage and lots and lots of time praying to my Father in Heaven.. I started to fight my way back to surface.

The Holidays came and went along with crafts, sugar highs and lots and lots of testing...  New students came and went.  I familiarized myself with all the necessary terminology and became more confident in my lessons.  I learned to communicate with my team members and accepted help from my instructional coaches.

Although my plans have changed and my future is unsure (blog posts to come), I know that I put my trust in the Lord and work as hard as I can.  Things will work out and be better.

I will try to update regularly and try to fill you in on some of the events of the past few months as well as my plans for the months and years to come.

My life is a never ending road to Happiness.